non-dominant hand drawing 06/15/2015 (part one)

Warning: rant about work, so skip this one please (for the one person who actually reads the blog). Part two will be much better.

We had a unit wide meeting on this day, and these are my drawings of the meeting. Our unit is made up of several labs, in two different location. Today’s meeting required us to travel to the other location. Organizing the carpool situation was unnecessarily filled with drama and stressful to me, and it might just all be in my head. Who knows. I’ve been really sensitive lately with all the uncertainties in my health, relationships, blah blah blah. However, I really resent that the most senior guy in the other lab told me that I should just drive on my own. When the admin asst needed a ride too, he said he might be able to give her a ride, depending on whether the new girl whose first day was on the day of the meeting, comes to the meeting. Basically, if the new girl doesn’t come, the admin asst can come in their car, which means I have to drive alone, while the other car has 4 people in it. Thank you. It is really nice that just because I’m in the other lab, I’m not good enough to have a companion in my vehicle, you know, because I’m in the “other lab”, not in the “fun lab”.  Because I’m in the other lab and I’m miserable, I don’t deserve to feel anything but misery.  (nota bene: I ended up driving with the admin asst because the new girl came, and I had a nice time on the drive to and from the meeting, which was at my alma mater. After the meeting was over, I got to take a little memory lane trip, and we visited the area where all the students hang out and eat (which no one else in the “fun lab” knew about), and we ate some really good food at a great price. When can one have a generous sized quiche and a salad for $4? And when can I have something called Ecstasy Bar and chocolate brownie for $3 total? So I was glad I didn’t have to share this little slice of good memory with those bastards.)

Basically, I’ve found that lately, the only time people in the other lab talk to me is if they want something from me: more space in my greenhouse, supplies from me or if they want to talk down to me about how crappy my lab is, and gloat about how great their lab is. Is that necessary?!? No, there is no need to put down how other labs are run. It’s completely unnecessary, divisive, and mean-spirited. All this talk about unifying the labs together is full of BS. They asked us all to do a little introduction in the meeting. Mine was to introduce my name, my lab and a general synopsis of what I do. Then at the end, I blurted out: “I just do as I’m told.” I’ve run out of hope for my job. I have learned over the 11 years I’ve worked there, that my words, my inputs, my ideas don’t mean a thing. They’ll do whatever they want. If they ask for my opinion, it’s only because they think they’re supposed to, not because they will actually listen or take me seriously. So I have learned to keep my mouth shut, fly under the radar, be compliant and do as I’m told because if my voice don’t matter, why use it?

I want to say to all those people in the other lab who are so fond of making fun of other labs: you can have your effin donuts, bagels, cakes, your fun meetings, and gloat about how communicative everyone in your lab is, and how your voice matters; most of you will still have to look for a job in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years or 4 years, and maybe your voice won’t matter so much then, whereas I, regardless of how dysfunctional our lab might seem, have a permanent position, can rely on the 6% matching retirement, and healthcare and my 6 hrs of earned annual leave per pay period, and as a result, I can buy my own donuts, bagels, cake, and can afford to enjoy a life outside of work, where my voice does matter, thank you. I hate that I have to point that out (even if it is to myself) because it means that I’m doing exactly what they are doing: putting them down, so I can feel good. Honestly, that job stability and being able to work independently is the only solace I have found, but I really hate that I have to do this at all.

Just keep your eyes on the prize, Irene, I tell myself. Don’t let the man (especially those people who are being rude jerks!) keep you down. Collect your paycheck. This is the only thing that matters because the paychecks are just a means to my end:  dancing, painting, drawing, making dioramas, paying my awesomely low interest mortgage in the bay area and keeping my garden of 8 different tomato varieties, cucumber, beans and basil, swimming, and woodworking. These things keep me going. My friendships keep me going. My family keep me going. Those people at work? I can choose to make them a speck of dust in my life, which will start…. NOW.

End rant. Breathe. That was just part one. Part two will be so much more relaxing, I promise!